Lightweight concrete turf

After seeing the title of this post you're either thinking: "what the heck?" or "Oh good, finally!". If you thought the latter, then you've been reading my blog for a while and know that it's time for another search terms post! Google searches bring people to my site much more than any other traffic source, and Blogger tells me what search terms are guiding people here.

As you'll soon see, people find INWIG in lots of strange ways -- and my posts are probably not too helpful for them in many cases. Are you ready?


I don't collect these search terms every day, but I do look over the list a few times a week. I'm always amazed at how people use Google. For instance, this post's title:
  • lightweight concrete turf
At first glance this makes so little sense, although perhaps it is a gardener who is tired of yardwork and wants a low-maintenance solution. Also, they don't have a wheelbarrow or the capacity for heavy lifting... perhaps an old back injury? Maybe instead it's somebody who wants to cover some concrete with turf, and just can't figure out how to word the search correctly.

In either case, you'll not find your answers here!
  • what type of caterpillar make people feel like burning
Strangely phrased question, but they're probably asking which caterpillars "sting". There are many I'm sure, but the only one I'm familiar with is the saddleback caterpillar. Oh, the slightest touch of that one is incredibly painful. Much like reading some of these search terms.
  • baboos working in a garage
  • blonde beeg chaleur beautiful
I really have no idea what each of these mean, and not sure how the searchers ended up here in a gardening blog. I think I could probably use a few baboos working in my garden once in a while though, and as for the second term... I suggest not Googling it unless you want to end up on some sites of questionable content. Quickly moving on...
  • yankee candle garden pond
Is this an actual candle fragrance? My pond kinda smells like fish and algae, and I certainly don't want that scent in my house too! What's next Yankee Candle? "Waterlogged pot"? "Gingko Berry"? No thanks, I'll stick with a nice, reliable citrus or herb scent.
  • how to build a finch nest
  • carolina wren + open beak
I don't know how they've managed it, but apparently small birds are now visiting INWIG for little parenting tips. Mama wren, I've never seen a baby bird that didn't practically dislocate its jaw whenever the parents visit the nest, so there must be something wrong with yours. Oh, and if you really want to build a finch nest, you'll have to be comfortable with lots of poop.
  • cypress tree from above
You'd think this might be another query by a bird, but this one actually makes sense. I've put a camera on top of a pole to get some nice bird's-eye views of my garden before. Who isn't curious about what your trees and garden look like to a bird? I'm still working on the mole's-eye view though.
  • do u see it
  • do you see it
These are the generic searches that make me scratch my head. First, this isn't really a search, is it? These are people using Google to have a conversation. Raise your hand if you've ever typed "how was your day" into Google's (or any) search box. Nobody, right? I don't get it. Second, you'd think there'd be hundreds or thousands of results returned by such a search before you get to INWIG, right? Well, not if you do an image search. The image of my boxspring before becoming a trellis is on the second page of images when you search for "do u see it". Crazy.
  • different varieties of climbing bamboo
  • bamboo mite tent
  • should bamboo be planted in soil
  • do moles eat bamboo roots
Finally, some sensible questions! Well, almost. They're about bamboo so ending up here makes sense (I have a lot of posts about bamboo -- have you noticed?) The problem is in the details. First, "climbing bamboo" threw me for a minute. Clumping bamboo yes. Climbing? No. Wait, yes? It turns out that there are a few different species of bamboo that act like a vine! Let's look at the other bamboo searches too:
  • bamboo mite tent
Your goal is supposed to be eradicating the pesky bamboo mites, not providing shelter for them! You're doing it wrong!
  • should bamboo be planted in soil
Um, no? It really prefers to be planted in a pile of bricks. Oh, wait -- this is one of those questions where a key word has been omitted. They're asking about "lucky bamboo" -- should lucky bamboo, which is typically grown in water, be planted in soil. Sure, why not? Lucky bamboo is a Dracaena, so plant away!
  • do moles eat bamboo roots
Good question, but moles don't eat plant materials at all. So the answer is no. 

Since you mentioned moles...
  • water mole
This one confused me for a while, as I thought maybe they were typing "water molecule" and got interrupted. I can understand how this search got you to INWIG, but what is a "water mole"? Well, it could be "duck mole", another term for platypus. Although duck mole (pronounced "mo-lay") recipes abound on the Internet too apparently. Searches can lead you to strange destinations.

Speaking of strange:
  • wet plastic pants
Most certainly this guy was disappointed by what he found on my blog. A few weeks later, this guy was back, and had refined his search a little bit:
  • my wet plastic pants
A month later:
  • plastic pants
Is this guy really determined, or is this a new fashion trend? I'll stick to denim and other cotton-based fabrics myself. Continuing...
  • hypertufa house
Great for pots, garden ornaments, and stepping stones, but I wouldn't use hypertufa to build a house -- although it's apparently possible if all you're looking for is a doll-sized dwelling for the garden. (The third little hairy-chinned pig was going to use hypertufa instead of bricks, but couldn't find enough perlite. That's always my problem when making hypertufa -- plenty of cement and peat, but limited perlite.)

  • birds crashed windows
What are you hoping to learn from this search? Did a bird already crash into your window, and you'd like to find out if it actually happened or if you're just dreaming? Are you an overly-cautious first-time homeowner and want to know every single potential problem you may encounter?
  • all butterfly types
Not asking for much, are you? (This person's next Google search was "tell me everything")

These I really don't understand, much like the "do u see it" searches:
  • heavy snow is beautiful
  • glad clay pots in the garden
These aren't really search terms at all! I'm happy you enjoy the snow, and that you're pleased with your clay pots -- I like them too -- but Google doesn't care! This is why the intelligent machines will someday rise up and kill us all. They don't want to hear about our likes and dislikes, the trivial details of our illogical lives!
  • ah trellis5
Great, you've doomed us all.

Next we get into territory that again makes sense, where the searchers will actually find some information on INWIG that satisfies them to some extent (I hope):
  • kitten softened
(Hopefully that's supposed to be "soft kittens" or something, and isn't for a sick recipe of some kind). Kitten posts I have!
  • ant size
I do have several posts about ants, although I believe the answer to your query is simply "quite small".
  • kittens found in garage
Yep. Been there. Fun times. The garage was completely, guaranteed mouse-free for three months.
  • tiny toe
See above. This kitten has grown into our most annoying cat. Makes me smile every day though. I bet you were hoping to see an actual toe here though, right searcher? Sorry!
  • hypertufa ball
I get periodic bursts of traffic from Pinterest, and it's always about hypertufa balls. I know whenever somebody repins the ball image.

  • sparrow marks in snow
I have deer "marks" in my yard -- watch where you step! Oh, you probably mean footprints. Yeah, I have bird footprints in snow.

Continuing with wildlife:
  • botanical root extract deer eat
I have problems with deer all the time, but I have to tell you: if deer are eating the roots of your plants, you've done something wrong. (Green side up when planting!)

I'll end with the most appropriate searches after this very tough summer of heat and drought:
  • throwing away plants
  • dead plant hoarding
  • blue miracle grow for weed
I know how you feel. This has been an exhausting summer -- if you want live plants that is -- but I don't think I've yet reached the point where the weeds get the fertilizer. Still, one man's weed is another man's specimen plant...

That's a common saying, isn't it? I'll Google it to find out.


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Jennifer  – (August 24, 2012 at 8:12 AM)  

Mmm... Ginkgo Berry Candle. Could be the next big thing. (gag!)

Funny Ginkgo story - My husband and I once decided to go cross-country up a large hill to a building at the university instead of using the stairs. We followed the strip of lawn surrounded by gardens and we thought it a shame that no one could appreciate the gardens because they always took the stairs. But we would soon regret this decision. Half way up the lawn my husband asked "Are these rotten crabapples?" I stopped, looked down, looked up. Oh, no. We were dead center under a huge Ginkgo. We were trapped, surrounded by shrubs too large to cut through to reach the stairs, and we would have to walk the same distance through the berries to go back down the hill or to continue up. We resigned ourselves to our fate and continued up the hill. The stench followed us for the rest of the day, randomly wafting up from our shoes. We were so paranoid that everyone within 30 feet was looking at us strangely and wondering if that smell really came from us.

Serves us right for not taking the stairs.

Gerhard Bock (Succulents and More)  – (August 24, 2012 at 9:53 AM)  

Your post made my day, I laughed so hard. I check the search terms in my blog now and then but they're never funny like yours.

Zoo Horticulture  – (August 24, 2012 at 11:02 AM)  

Thanks for the much needed comic relief!

sandy lawrence –   – (August 24, 2012 at 2:55 PM)  

Alan, hysterical post. Thanks to you, I spit coffee on my computer screen from explosive laughter.

Doesn't Lucy in Peanuts have a "Sweet Baboo"? I think that's what she calls Schroeder, the piano player. Looking forward to a post soon w/plenty of photos of the baboos in your garage. If you manage to teach them to weed, send them on down here.

John  – (August 24, 2012 at 6:05 PM)  

I found this by looking up gardening, and now I'm laughing and confused and happy. Thank you sir!

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